Hobbies - Poetry - Ridiculously Funny
back to Poems...

  ...inspired by the almost famous Wergle Flomp contest

blank
Italian Serenade...

    yesterday i bought three bananas.
    they were cheap because they were rotten.
    i came home and sat on them.
    wanted to feel how a full baby feels when he fills.
    he not fool. he not file. he full. he bananas.

    tra-la-la-la-la (ole in spain)

    my dog bit me. my wife too.
    she bit and beat. my pc bits and bytes.
    he also boots. he does not bark.
    he hates the dog. the dog peed on his hard disk.
    i have a bat. his name is bambi. the dog’s name.

    ole-ole-ole (tra-la-la-la in usa)

    there are a lot of italians in italy.
    more than in rome. rome has only one pope
    but i ate three pizzas. one two three
    baby i love thee.
    i love tea too. and two too is tootoo.

    pronto-pronto-pronto (allo in the rest of the world).

blank
Echoes Of Love...

    one, two, three,
    one, two, three, four,
    one, two, three, four five,
    one, two, three, four, five, six,
    ix, ix, ix...

    seventeen,
    sixteen,
    fifteen,
    fourteen,
    een, een, een...

    billion,
    on, on, on...
    trillion,
    on, on, on...
    quadrillion,
    quack, quack, quack...

    and the universe explodes,
    odes, odes, odes...

blank
(archaeological exhibit, date uncertain, following assumed election of the first ever feminist president in the USA, excavation site NY, 3075)

Personifesto...

    By the grace of Divinity, this year 2011 and a half,
    we have a woperson president of the USA,
    who decreed illegal any use, abuse, misuse,
    of the words man or men or any of their forwards or backwards derivatives
    in the English language when not associated with
    man, men, or any of their derivatives. Persondatory replaceable by
    person, persons and none of their derivatives. Punishable by
    imprisonpersonsnt. Wopersons will be locked without money in
    the malls of Personhattan, men will be locked in peepshow cabins without quarters.

    Hallelujah! Apersons!

    Roperson Polanski was exiled because he refused the persondatory change of
    nosrepe, and war declared on Ropersonia for same reason.
    To prevent phonetical misunderstandings, the first day of the week is from now on
    Moonday. Governpersonst offices will be open extended hours to
    permit the extra time to pronounce the longer words. Extra pay
    allocated to court typists, per extra digit; abusive use of relevant
    words will be punished.

    This directive applies to mammals only, talking parrots need not
    be re-educated.

    Signed, Empersonanuela Zilberperson, secretary of state and re-education.

    (short biography: Empersonanuela, a famous Ropersontic Roperson author, actrice - played Dulcinea in Person of LaPersoncha, and citruses - nosrepely persondarines - grower, joined the liberation movement in 2009, was one year ambassadress in Birpersonia, and since half a year ago secretary of state)

blank
Chicks & co...

    When my chick has started barking,
    And I mean a chicken chick,
    I kept swallowing three Prozac's
    Every hour all that week.

    It was thirty seven hours
    Till my wife got off the roof,
    Then she ran (she still is running)
    Followed by the mocking woof...

    Then my dog... the sneaky charmer,
    Love proposed... well, doggy style,
    Now he's chasing my poor woman
    (She's still leading by a mile...)

    Then I find to my amazement
    That on top of playing ball,
    This... what?... chicken?... chick?... the IT thing
    Knows to fetch, to sit, to roll.

    One by one - my cat was bitten,
    And the postman's scared like hell,
    I don't mind my shoes she's chewing
    'Cause she rounds the sheep quite well.

    'Bout a month or something later
    My sweet wife - half starved, half lame,
    After crossing countries, oceans,
    West she ran... now East she came...

    At her heel my dog, crest(?)fallen...
    Wow... the chicken came a running,
    Proudly bringing bones and snuggling,
    Do you know what was most stunning?

    At her... tail? three chicks, small, tiny,
    Then two puppies daddy necking,
    And the chicks started a squealing,
    And the puppies worms a pecking...

    My poor dog could not imagine,
    Now he's papa - tail to bone,
    And my wifey.... well, in horror
    Now from East to West she's gone.

    Both my goats her quest have joined now,
    Cuz, you see, this chicken cheat,
    Followed foreign language studies,
    As of late she starts to bleat.

    NBC said - "thanks, you're crazy..."
    CNN... I told my story,
    They just asked - "is there a blood bath?..."
    I said - "no...", they said "so sorry..."

    Well, to end my true (swear!) story -
    FBI brought back one goat,
    Seven ducks, a cow, two piglets,
    (and the wife, oops... just forgot...)

    Now they're laughing down to Texas,
    And the sheriff's mighty sad,
    "These good folks" he says with sorrow
    "Ain't no dangerous... just mad."

          *

    Do we care?... each eve at sunset
    After I have voiced my proems,
    To the pigs and cows and horses
    Missis chicken reads my poems.

    Wife (she's taking cackle lessons)
    Claims a lesson to this story
    (Though I swear I hardly get it) -
    "Chickenshit's no path to glory..."

blank
And Her Mother...

    I and my lover
    We love each other
        ...and her mother.

    She has a brother
    Bald as his father
        ...and her mother.

    We want a boy,
    We'll name him Joy
        ...her mother's choi.
    (should have been 'choice' but then it wouldn't rhyme)

    Also a moose
    (Adopted, called Bruce)
        ...like her mother's goose.

    When late in the night
    The bats start to fight
        ...her mother's delight,

    We snug in the bed,
    We cover our head
        ...her mother we dread,

    And I start to mmmmm...
    And she starts to hmmmm...
        ...and her mother... ahmmmm...

    As we start to juice...
    The bats and the moose
        ...and her mother's goose

    In bed stick their nose,
    They snuggle up close,
        ...and her mother's toes...

blank
Zarzuela...

written for a contest asking the use of a few unusual words from a list...
well, I used ALL in ABC order :)

    at the ardent flow of slogans
    as my brethren marched their brogans
    through caluminating speeches
    from the mountains to the beaches
    derisorily I snickered
    at the essence as they bickered
    through some fictive acts of malice
    which they claimed with guile that alice
    (her humility undoubtful)
    has impinged more than a mouthful
    through jocose and nasty comments
    ("...called us kelpies certain moments
    lambent phrases dirt conceiving
    mellifluously deceiving
    when the noumenon one spotted,
    otiose her word, and rotted ...")...
    hey (I said) you pilous creatures
    if the quiddity of teachers
    is too recondite a matter
    and setaceous a patter,
    if truism your brains is hurting
    unremitting as it's spurting
    and veracious a statement
    wrought will be through reinstatement,
    your xerophilous existence
    has a yeanling's low subsistence
    your zenith you'll never reach
    (ends my speech).

blank
Ostriches

    They appeared out of nowhere
    hordes of them,
    swarms of them,
    flocks, throngs, squadrons, crowds,
    mobs of ostriches
    all-pink and dotted-pink and striped-pink
    admiring, lash batting, bottom pinching,
    pouring through my windows, smashing down my doors,
    attacking the endless arrays of pencils on my table
    and swallowing them... sideways...
    ouch, I feared imagine them exiting sideways too...
    cackling and barking and meowing my beautiful words
    those I went through years of pains writing,
    after tearing to pieces my notes and my buttons
    and missing my eyes yet focusing on my nose
    then on my ear lobes
    then on bowling balls I started throwing their way
    all those thousands of vicious beaks looking for a snippet of the prize
    while I cowered in the corner
    trembling like a leech... wait, like lice?... a leaf maybe?...
    spraying their way my cheap eau de cologne
    and then throwing my collection of unwashed socks...
    in vain...
    on they came...

    Wake up, wake up, you shook me awake, tenderly,
    your three pronged foot looking for fleas on my chest,
    I screamed and ran away all the way to the wall
    where I collapsed with a big lump on my head.

    I finally woke up. For real. The nightmare was over.
    I remembered nostalgically those first, terrible days,
    horrible dreams chasing my sanity,
    the pills, the drugs, the strait jacket,
    then finally the reality of love dawning upon me
    in the warmth of our shared dwelling,
    our life.
    I touched the big egg underneath my shirt
    thanking you for trusting me with your most cherished of possessions.
    Love has never been bigger...

blank